I adored the attention and found that as long as I didn’t cry and kept it breezy, people rarely got bored of my single life.Five years on from that 3am-key-in-the-door-ex-visit, I’m on the other side of the pub table.Vulnerability, lust, excitement, embarrassment, humour, validation, status, disappointment and love: those first meetings and early dates package up so many real, guttural emotions.By being a dating spectator I get to experience all of them, while never risking a broken heart. I've recently taken the plunge back into online dating, or as I like to call it, waiting to see how long before the man I'm talking to inevitably disappoints me.I like to think I'm extremely good at spotting fuckboys based off their dating profile, before I even swipe right and have to fend off a dick pic. So because I'm like, such a good friend, I'm going to impart this wisdom on you. I promise, only dick pics and heartbreak will await you if you don't heed my warnings. Straight men, feel free to jump in and disagree with me here, but I see "good vibes only" on a LOT of profiles, and not in a "we're at a music festival" kind of way.I’m realising that when I act as audience to the latest fuck story, I’m condoning that.Not that my abstinence is going to change the world, but I no longer watch , where people are judged on their genitals, than I do with men picking from a line-up of women based purely on how low their body-con scoops.
The linear plotline of most relationships is predictable and if it goes off the rails there’s often too much at stake for it to be entertaining.That’s what’s great about dating stories: they involve real emotions and allow us to examine the human condition, but if a date goes badly you can swipe right and start again.I know I’ve taken the smug bullet and now have a seat in the stalls, but friends, please don’t all couple up. Also, it goes without saying that this guy will never truly commit. But he's also probably full of himself if he thinks he's so great that he doesn't even need to TRY to convince you to swipe right. Second of all, fuck guys who say this (not literally—keep your pussy very far away from them).Especially guys who do this shit on Bumble—like, I have to message you first. Translation: *Insert lyrics for "Tie Me Down" by New Boyz feat. Y'all think I'm making this shit up, but I literally saw this in my Tinder queue yesterday. I understand if you don't believe me, but this was literally real. The types of guys who complain about vaginas not smelling like roses are the types of guys who invent shit like My Sweet V or that bullshit Sweet Peach startup a few years back that literally tried to make women's vaginas smell like peaches.It was fucking weird, but I was kind of pleased she was adding more colour to an already entertaining story.